Six of Pentacles, reversed
Today I drew the Six of Pentacles reversed, which I found rather appropriate given an uncomfortable situation I was in last night.
I don’t encounter much raw sexism directly targeted at me, so it was pretty stunning when it happened. I’ve never had such a distinct, “being put in my place” feeling before. The situation was made even more awkward when my significant other talked to them about it after the fact. I’m not sure how that went, but I don’t really think anything was resolved, which is as much as I expected. I really appreciated my significant other’s effort, but sometimes you have to know when and who to pick your “battles” with.
Anyway, the whole experience has had me examining the relationships I have with people in general, and the reversed Six of Pentacles seems to sum it up nicely.
From Crystal Reflections:
If you are experiencing an unsatisfactory situation—accept your feelings. Feelings of insecurity are created when you are not recognized for the hard work that you produce or when a stable, but basically unequal and unsatisfying situation has been disrupted. Feelings of insecurity result in dissatisfaction as you begin to think that things are unfair and your prosperity is threatened.
That’s really the crux of it, isn’t it? A lot of the relationships I have with male friends are “stable, but basically unequal and unsatisfying.” The power dynamic in these groups as related to gender creates an atmosphere of subtle hostility for me. These friendships are fun, and entertaining, but overall distinctly unsatisfying due to the little, constant reminders from them, in their word choices and the way they speak of women, that their gender makes them inherently better than me.
And it’s an odd situation, because for my mental health, I really should just excise them from my life. It’s just not an option in my current situation though. This is another aspect of the Six of Pentacles that seems fitting: the unequal relationship between the rich man and the poor in the card, and their reliance on his charity. The power dynamic here is striking.
That the rich man is holding scales does not escape me—to me, in this reversal reading, it signifies that he believes himself to be fair and just despite the massive inequality between him and the poor people he is giving to. Privilege, in a nut shell, really.
Earth Day and green resolutions
So, today is Earth Day. I’ve been bedridden most of the day, so to celebrate it, I’ve been contemplating what I can do to be more in line with “reduce, reuse, and recycle.”
I have a lot of terrible ecological habits. I drink two to three plastic bottles of water a day. I drive to work when it’s within easy biking distance. I don’t recycle. I leave the water running when it could be shut off. I use a million plastic bags via grocery shopping. I leave electronics on when they could be shut off. I create a lot of trash by means of purchasing or consuming many things.
On and on and on.
Goddess spirituality, in much the same way that it goes hand-in-hand with feminism and anti-oppression work, feels inextricably linked to earth-based spirituality to me. The earth personified as the divine Mother of us all just feels right, though I can’t really articulate much beyond that.
So, I do a great, great dishonor to Her through my thoughtless contributions to waste.
As with all changes to habits, they work best for me if incorporated slowly to ensure they stick. Thus, this year I resolve to do the following as a start:
- Support local farms and farmers by buying locally grown and raised food whenever possible.
- Take the bus to work when applicable.
- Purchase a bicycle and ride to work or other places when applicable.
- Make or purchase reusable grocery bags.
- Buy a reusable water bottle that I will actually use.
- Shut off and unplug any devices that are not in use.
- Repurpose or recycle my trash regularly.
This feels like a rather simple start, but it’s a lot for me. Ultimately, I feel that I should work on my lifestyle as a whole. While not as bad as some, I still feel like I live a rather wasteful and ecologically destructive lifestyle that doesn’t contribute anything worthwhile back to the earth. I think perhaps this is something that I will need to chew on for a while, come to terms with, and figure out how to solve through education and action.
Discovering Paganism has made me feel it’s vital to do this, especially in terms of spirituality and living a meaningful and compassionate life. Goddess and earth-based spiritualities seem at odds with the massively wasteful lifestyle I lead now, and I want to rectify that.
Safe in her sacred darknesses
Today’s reading from The Goddess Companion was especially beautiful to me. It gave me a sense of calm reassurance.
This is how nature, our mother, acts toward us.
First, she gives us life.
And then, as though that were not miracle enough, she revives us daily, bringing us back to life each dawn, just as she brought us into life that first time.
Then she gives us food, enough to sustain ourselves throughout our days.
And finally, when we have filled our days with her kindness, she takes us back into herself, we fall back into her deep womb, safe in her sacred darknesses.
—Roman prayer to the earth, third century C. E.
Elitism within the Pagan community
Something I’m noticing as I make my way through various sites, forums, and books studying the Goddess, Paganism, and witchcraft in general is an almost malicious elitism. (Less so with the books though, thankfully!)
It’s a really unsettling undercurrent that I haven’t really encountered in comparable Buddhist spaces. That isn’t to say that I haven’t encountered conflict in such spaces—in fact, the conflict in these spaces sometimes taught me the most! However, the conflicts and elitism I encounter in Pagan spaces seem more comparable to the drama of my youth: little cliques overly concerned with and overly critical of what other individuals or cliques are doing, trying to distinguish how more “right,” more “serious,” or “better” they are over others.
I suppose this isn’t to be unexpected, and while this was an attitude I did see in Buddhist spaces, the frequency with which I encounter these attitudes while doing research on Paganism just makes my head hurt. There are whole forum signatures, whole forum posts, whole blog posts, whole pages, and even whole sites dedicated to lambasting others and their practices (or lack thereof) within the umbrella of Paganism. It seems that the people who do this define themselves not so much by what they believe or practice, but instead by either what they feel makes them superior to others, or what they feel will get them accepted by the community at large—usually by defining what they don’t believe or practice.
It’s worth pointing out that it’s an interesting and somewhat unique issue within the Pagan community. Since there is such a diverse set of traditions and beliefs under the label, as well as a stigma of gullibility and lack of seriousness or authority compared to most major religions, there is a need to be taken seriously if one is a serious practitioner.
The whole “anti-fluffy bunny” movement seems to be one manifestation of this need to be taken seriously. While part of me understands this due to my own perceptions of Paganism (that it was something rather silly, due to teenaged friends in my youth using Wicca and magick as a more of a way to rebel or look cool than anything), there is a level of pettiness in the usage of the pejorative, as well as the pejorative itself, that seems to undermine the efforts to be taken seriously.
As a newcomer to Pagan spaces, when I encounter this attitude, I find myself wondering if the entire community is this petty and cliqueish. I don’t take speakers like this seriously, precisely because they take themselves too seriously.
Interesting, how that works.
I have found a few really well-written criticisms of the “anti-fluffy bunny” sentiment at least, particularly the Thoughts on Bashing Fluffy Bunnies piece from the Internet Book of Shadows.
With growth comes friction between factions, sometimes escalating into conflict. Minority groups sometimes feel offended when they are lumped in with other groups. Individuals are annoyed when others assume that some idea or philosophy might be common among the majority of Pagan groups.
Instead of strengthening one’s group identity by clarifying core ideas, it is common for a group to instead spend a lot of energy saying what it’s not about.
…
It is becoming quite common, at least on the internet, for these attempts to differentiate the “not-me” through what can only be described as bashing. Instead of discussing the issues and sharing different points of view and theories, those who hold whatever idea is not politically correct for the majority in the discussion become the target for personal insult and antagonistic behavior.
…
It seems rather hypocritical that a community made up of self-professed polytheists (whether “hard polytheists” or not) should be so intolerant of others who have different ideas. It’s not just acknowledging that others have different ideas, or accepting that the historical landscape is evolving. The problem is that some are being disrespectful of others and are actively antagonistic in forums where the stated goal is purportedly to share information and debate ideas in a civilized fashion.
Bashing is not debating. Debating involves sharing ideas and evidence and discussing the merits of the different points of view. Debating allows disagreements, but does not allow disrespect. When a discussion transforms into personal insults against select participants, or “bashing fluffy bunnies” as some gleefully call it, it is no longer debate but shameful ego assaults.
And I especially agreed with the following line, as it has been something that has severely hindered my view of the Pagan community as a newcomer:
Those who are “bashing fluffy bunnies” are not winning the hearts, minds, and souls of the Pagan community—they are defeating the very ideals of polytheism that allow for a multitude of philosophies, deities, and unique paths within our community.
Though this pervasive attitude won’t deter me, I do find it difficult to work with. I hope the initial shock of encountering it will eventually fade, so I don’t feel so concerned with it.
For now though, quite simply: it’s irritating as hell.
The Devil
This morning, I decided to a second one card spread for myself. I’m thinking such a routine could benefit me both in learning the tarot as well as a being a meditative, introspective exercise.
I proceeded in the same fashion as yesterday: sitting quietly as I cut and shuffled the cards for some minutes. When I felt I had sufficiently done so, I paused as I held the deck in my hand, listening for any inner pulls or directions like what I felt last time.
I didn’t feel any indication that I should cut them more or pull from another part of the deck, though I did feel a distinct sense of anxiety and fear as my hand hovered over the top card. It took me a few moments to finally bring myself to turn the card over. It was The Devil.
(My Christian conditioning still has an effect on me, which is also another large reason I feel a lot of modern Christianity, along with some other major religions, is actually a rather cruel form of brainwashing. There is so much that is very beautiful and contains Truth in Christianity, but it gets lost in the Heaven/Hell, God/Satan, Eternal Salvation/Eternal Damnation absolutism and dualism of a lot of modern Christianity.
Thus, while I reject the idea of the Divine as a force that would demand my belief, or anything else of me, in order to not be punished eternally, being conditioned from a young age still invokes in me base feelings of fear when I confront my own feelings on the matter. This kind of system seems designed by men to keep people under control and propagate a religion more than anything.)
After setting aside a feeling of anxiety upon seeing the card, I examined it. What struck me most were the chains binding the woman and the man, though it took some researching to clue me in on why I was most drawn to them.
For a lark, I first looked up the meaning of the The Devil in the accompanying booklet, though from yesterday’s experience I didn’t particularly trust it. “Ravage, violence, vehemence, extraordinary efforts, force, fatality; that which is predestined but not for this reason evil,” though appealing to my inner sense of fear of the card, didn’t feel right.
So to the internet I went! From Aeclectic Tarot:
[The Devil] returns a curious look. “All I am doing is bringing out what is already in you,” the beast responds. “Such feelings are nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of, or even to avoid.” The Fool gestures angrily at the chained men and women, “You say that even though they are enslaved?” The Goat-god mimics the Fool’s gesture. “Take another look.”
The Fool does so, and realizes that the chained collars the men and women wear are wide enough for them to easily slip off over their heads. “They can be free if they wish to be,” the Goat-god says, “Though you are right. I am the god of your strongest desires. But you see here only those who have allowed their base, bestial desires to control them.”
…
“Inhibitions can enslave as easily as excesses. They can keep you from following your passion to the highest heights.” The Fool realizes the truth in this, and that he has mistaken the Goat-god. Here he understands now that it is not a creature of evil, but of great power, the lowest and the highest, both of beast and god. Like all power it is frightening, and dangerous… but it is also the key to freedom and transcendence if understood and well used.
…
With Capricorn as its ruling sign, this is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild – or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement.
The parts about being too restrained resonated with me particularly, which is perhaps why I felt myself most drawn to the chains symbolically. The curious thing that I didn’t even notice until I read this was that the chains around the woman’s and man’s necks are large enough to easily slip out of. I feel this is particularly significant for me.
I did some more research, and most of the other places I read through had similar interpretations. Things that felt relevant to my life included:
From Learning the Tarot:
Sometimes this card reflects back the negativity that has made you doubt yourself and your future. … When you see the Devil, examine your assumptions carefully. Make sure you are not working from a false picture of yourself and the situation. Hold fast to the highest vision of who you are.
From Tarot Teachings:
The image of the Baphoment is a shock to many. In a primarily suppressed society, topics relating to the devil are not openly discussed and illicit intense discomfort. However, if we approach this card in an open-minded, mature manner, we can glean a mass of insight.
…
When we pull the Devil card in a reading we’ve got some serious examining to do. We need to consider who or what is in charge of our lives. The Devil is a very loud message stating that we’re in danger of giving up our control to our base nature. Or, it’s a message that we’ve already dropped to a level of functioning that is beneath us.
An ego-driven mind is one that operates under the illusion that love and acceptance must be obtained at all cost.
The truth is that love and acceptance can never be gained because they are always ours—they are at the core of our being at all times.
From Tarot Reading Psychic:
In a tarot reading, the goal of The Devil card is to encourage us to rise to the occasion, to find the parts of our selves that are capable of giving back to the world as we know it.
…
On another level, the Devil card refers to the prisons we make for ourselves. Perhaps your fear is enslaving you. Often, when we are in extreme fear, we simply can not move forward. We may be chained to our pasts. This can also be said for old wounds of the past. The tarot card meanings of the Devil Card urge you to confront the darker parts of yourself. This is a good time to explore your fears, limitations, and unhealthy attachments. It also suggests ones need to explore past trauma that has bound them to their own pain.
From Wikipedia:
The Devil is the card of self-bondage to an idea or belief which is preventing a person from growing or being healthy—an example might be a belief that getting drunk each night is good for you. On the other hand, however, it can also be a warning to someone who is too restrained and/or dispassionate and never allows him or herself to be rash or wild or ambitious, which is yet another form of enslavement.
…
As with The Magician, the iconography of most of the standard Tarot suits appear. His wings represent Air, the suit of Swords. The torch in his hands, and the flames in the tail of the male devil represent Fire, the suit of Wands. The grapes in the tail of the female devil invoke Earth; the same grapes appear in most of the cards in the suit of Disks. Only Water, Cups are missing. On one level, this is curious; Water is of the unconscious, and The Devil dwells in the subconscious. On another level it is heartbreaking; what is missing from the Devil’s realm is The Grail, the kindly blessings of the Cup.
The areas that detailed interpretations of temptation and overindulgence didn’t feel as relevant as those that spoke of fear and being too restrained. Certainly there are things that I overindulge in that qualify as earthly pleasures, but nothing to a degree that feels like enslavement, though perhaps I should explore that area more without just casting it aside as irrelevant.
What I do feel enslaved by is my own sense of restraint in most of my life, particularly in regards to social anxiety and the way it makes me feel trapped. At the base of this, the very root, there is a sense of always wanting acceptance and love from everyone, and obtaining it even at the cost of my own convictions and self-respect.
The most overt example of this is the way in which I let sexist, racist, transphobic, homophobic, ableist, classist shit go by in my presence (or directed at me!) without calling it. Though I am not officially diagnosed with social anxiety, I am 100% certain this is a disorder I have. However, I have found myself more often than not using it as an excuse to not face down my fears instead of a legitimate obstacle. This also goes for doing any sort of anti-oppression work in general. I am very book- and blog-savvy, but I do not put in much action, if at all. My fear of conflict and being ostracized is an extreme form of enslavement for me.
It also manifests in more covert ways, which are harder for me to define. One such definite example, while difficult for me to define in a tangible form, is my relationship with my fiancé. Though I have grown a lot over the years and begun blossoming into my own person, there are times where my insecurity and fear cause me to look at him and his love for me as the Solution to All Problems. When this works, it is merely a form of escapism. When this doesn’t work, it causes me to feel intense suffering.
It seems that I have a lot to reflect on regarding my fears and attachments. I find it interesting that my initial fear of The Devil has transformed into gratitude as I’ve been writing this. I hope the same can happen with my own personal fears and bondage.
The Hermit
A few months ago, I found my old Rider-Waite tarot deck while going through some of my things. I hadn’t seen it in a few years, and was pleased upon its discovery. I put it on a shelf in the closet, where it peeked at me every time I ventured in. However, I didn’t give it much thought or use—it felt like a pleasant relic from younger days.
I didn’t particularly use the deck much when I got it, though tarot has always fascinated me. I think my lack of knowledge about the cards and the subject itself kept me from doing much with it, both in the distant and not-so-distant past.
With my draw to Paganism now, I’ve found myself extremely interested in methods of divination. I find this somewhat amusing in some regards, because I also think of myself as being a fairly skeptical person. However, I’m pleased with the way my personal discovery of Paganism and Goddess Spirituality has given me a new sense of openness to such things. It isn’t that I’m suspending my skepticism, so much as I’m letting myself become more open to the possibilities of things. Now that I think about it, I feel this kind of attitude is very valuable to have in all aspects of life.
I do find it interesting that my tarot deck seemed to find its way back into my life just before I felt renewed and matured interest in it.
The past few days, I’ve let the deck sit on my nightstand, next to my head while I sleep. It felt like an appropriate way to get reacquainted with it, so to speak.
Today was the first day I felt like doing a serious one card spread for myself. I didn’t have a particular question in mind; it was more of a general, “How am I doing right now/are there any insights for me today?”
I shuffled the cards for a while. I felt that I should simply draw from the top of the deck when I had sufficiently shuffled them. As I was going to finally draw the card after shuffling for a few minutes, something directed me to cut the cards one more time. So I did.
(It is worth pointing out that over the past few weeks of discovery, I have begun listening to and heeding inner pulls—basically, listening to my own intuition. I have found this to be an amazing process, both for the ability to begin listening to and trusting myself as well as the results of doing so. This pull to cut the cards one more time is one such example out of many, many experiences I have had recently.)
I felt an immediate sense of satisfaction and “rightness” upon doing this, and drew the card. It was The Hermit.
I am not someone who is well-versed in tarot symbology or card meanings, so I simply studied the card for a while. The overwhelming sense I got out of it was “introspection.” It felt extremely important and applicable for me.
My deck came with a little booklet that lists short descriptions of what each card means. As I reached for it, something inside me told me the description of The Hermit would not be correct—that I should look online. Sure enough, the booklet’s description of “treason, dissimulation, roguery, corruption” didn’t feel appropriate.
Looking online instead, I found the following:
Represented by Virgo, the Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. This is not a time for socializing; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. Nor is it a time for action, discussion or decisions. It is a time to think, organize, ruminate, and take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent during this time of withdrawal. But such times lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.
…
One of the important things about this card is that the Hermit is always shown on the move. He’s never locked away in his reclusive cell, he’s always out wandering, searching. That, to me, is a Virgo. I’m married to one, I know. The Hermit is the restless mind of the Virgo, always gathering information, analyzing, making connections. Virgos are skeptics, and if anyone is going to stick a lantern into a dark place and take a good look at what’s going on, it is a Virgo.
This felt very applicable, all things considered with my current growth spiritually.
Since The Hermit is of the Major Arcana, I felt interested in seeing the distinction between the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. Googling “major arcana vs minor” brought me to a very applicable page—I chuckled when I saw the first image was The Hermit:
A major arcana card represents an energy that is deep, strong, decisive or long-term. When a major arcana card appears in a reading, you have tapped into a powerful energy in some area of your life. The minor arcana cards do not carry the same weight, but they are still important. They chart the ups and downs of daily life and register changes in feelings and thoughts. These dramas are gripping while they occur, but they pass with time as new concerns take their place.
Compare the interpretation of two cards with similar meanings, but different weights – the Hermit (major) and the Eight of Cups (minor). The Hermit is the archetypal symbol of one who seeks truth and deeper meaning. He stands for the impulse to renounce superficial pleasures to seek understanding within. In a reading, the Hermit could hint that you are feeling a strong urge to find answers even if it means giving up aspects of your current way of life. This is not a passing fancy, but a major desire that could last for some time.
With the Eight of Cups, your interpretation might be much the same, but, as a minor arcana card, this card implies your search does not have the same force. Maybe you’ve been a little bored at work. Some days you feel like chucking everything to go make hats on the beach, but you don’t really mean it. You are seeking, but the urge is not yet a heartfelt desire.
Exploring the same site further, I found The Hermit’s page, which seemed to even further reflect back at me what I felt upon drawing the card while expounding on it further:
[The Hermit] seeks answers within and knows that they will come only with quiet and solitude.
There comes a point in life when we begin to question the obvious. We sense that there is a deeper reality and begin to search for it. This is mainly a solitary quest because answers do not lie in the external world, but in ourselves. The hermit on Card 9 reminds us of Diogenes, the Greek ascetic who is said to have gone out with a lantern in hand to search for an honest man. Diogenes is a symbol of the search for truth that the Hermit hopes to uncover by stripping away all diversions.
In readings, the Hermit often suggests a need for time alone – a period of reflection when distractions are limited. In times of action and high energy, he stands for the still center that must be created for balance. He can also indicate that withdrawal or retreat is advised for the moment. In addition, the Hermit can represent seeking of all kinds, especially for deeper understanding or the truth of a situation. “Seek, and ye shall find,” we have been told, and so the Hermit stands for guidance as well. We can receive help from wise teachers, and, in turn, help others as we progress.
Could this card be any more appropriate to my current situation of discovering and studying Paganism, as well as listening to and trusting in myself? I’ve also found myself shying away from normal activities I indulge in to study and reflect upon what I’ve been learning (and finding myself irritable when distracted or interrupted!).
I have been doing just that: retreating into myself as I discover these things, full of introspection and self-discovery.
Needless to say, this was a very wonderful experience for me, and I plan on studying and practicing the tarot more.
Initial thoughts as I begin to embrace Paganism
I’ve been meaning to write ever since I began reading Starhawk’s Spiral Dance, but I haven’t much felt like it until today. I’ve read a few things that have lit my proverbial writing fire, so to speak, so I feel compelled to write through and examine my thoughts.
For a long time, I have been interested in Paganism. However, because I have been conditioned culturally and mentally as a Christian, there was a lot of hesitation and fear involved to the point that I never gave it much serious thought. At first, when I began to question some of my Christian upbringing, I discovered Buddhism, and I felt comfortable blending the two without fully devoting myself to Buddhism. As the years wore on, I found myself further and further identifying as a Buddhist instead of a Christian, though I also found myself becoming less and less invested in any spiritual, religious, or enlightening pursuit.
Buddhism holds Truth in it. There are things I have learned from it and my own experiences—mindfulness and emptiness are concepts I have both intellectually grasped as well as experienced firsthand. The Eightfold Path is still something that holds much significance and “rightness” to me. The myriad ways our minds and egos cause us suffering… I’ve barely even touched the surface of what encompasses the teachings of Buddhism, but what I have learned has been invaluable to me. It shapes a lot of my thoughts and who I am today.
However, as I’ve become more aware over the past few years of the many injustices and oppressions in the world that women face, I’ve grown into a feminist. I used to be one of those obnoxious people that equated feminism with misandry—echoing at best naïve thoughts such as “why not humanist or equalist” and perhaps agreeing on some level with at worst thoughts such as, “don’t you know all those feminists are just ugly lesbian man-hating bitches?“
From my lofty position of white, cis, straight-presenting, able, middle to upper class privilege, I couldn’t possibly see the need for feminism or other anti-oppression work until I got out into the real world and began actually seeing oppression and bigotry in my own life—all around me. You could say becoming a feminist was just a natural byproduct of entering adulthood for me.
Part of becoming a feminist made me begin questioning my spiritual and religious beliefs with a rather particular lens. Though far from the second-class status that most Christianity bestows upon women, there have been things that have not sat well with me in regards to Buddhism—particularly the dearth of pivotal women figures. I realize that a lot of the time, manifestations of religion are linked with their cultures and cultural attitudes, so it comes as no surprise to me that, while there is a lot of rather progressive and inclusive thoughts and doctrines in Buddhism, it is still chock full of misogyny. Thus, I refuse to believe Important Men when they tell me I cannot attain enlightenment, and I refuse to believe Guatama himself when he states that a woman cannot become a Buddha.
Quite simply, that shit is wrong. Wrong.
Thusly, upon reading Spiral Dance, I found myself going, “Holy shit. Holy shit. This is what I have felt for so long and it is being articulated perfectly to me.” Though the book is not without its flaws (admittedly a lot of them are addressed in the 10th and 20th anniversary notes at least), it was amazing finally hearing confirmation of feelings I have long had: women and womanhood are not “obstacles” to enlightenment, being a woman is not some divine punishment, and my womanhood does not equate subservience.
[The Goddess] is the body, and the body is sacred. Womb, breast, belly, mouth, vagina, penis, bone, and blood—no part of the body is unclean, no aspect of the life processes is stained by any concept of sin.
For the first time in my life, this made me feel and understand that I am not subservient when it comes to spiritual and religious matters because I am a woman.
The commentary on one of the recent daily meditations from Patricia Monaghan’s The Goddess Companion further cemented this for me:
What makes goddesses necessary? If the divine exists beyond our human dualism, why can people not accept that any image is but a shallow and limited vision of what cannot be pictured?
Because our picture of god helps us know who we are. When god is only male, we implicitly understand that only males can be like god.
